The Passage

Here she was standing right in front of me. If this was not an illusion, she was standing straight ahead. It was an afternoon when the scents of lavenders melding jasmines, while the sunlights were floating from the partially broken plastic archway ceiling. A few sounds of tired shoes were accompanying the lazy sounds of the fountain. I was just standing there. Could not do anything. I wished to melt away like the last glacier in the middle of an ocean but all I could do was to gulp. Also, I could have turned around and run away. I could not. But what could I say, If I would stay? My heart was pumping like a runner who hears the sound of the starting gun. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was afraid of opening my eyes while I was inhaling the scent of jasmine melding the lavenders and the years we left behind. Was the thing I afraid of being real or an illusion of what was standing straight ahead? I could not answer this. Maybe nothing would happen if I just stand on the stone paving floor, in the middle of the passage. People passing by would not look at me and she would be gone before she recognises me. But it did not happen. Like they were reading my mind, they looked at me. Probably some of them were surprised, some of them thought I might have gone crazy, some of them just revolted at my helplessness. Some of them might even think that it was a show. Like from the point of a child who thinks that I am a frozen robot figure. She discerned too. She lifted her head. We just stared at each other just like two poles that the wires were stretched. This was not a usual jiffy that could be measured by any unit of time. The world had stopped. As it was our eyes were looking for the answer to something. While all the emotions were soaring from the plastic ceiling, she was the one who broke the ices between us. She smiled as she was flipping her hair back. She took a step forward by inclining her head and when she lifted her head, our eyes met again. I gulped. I had to do something. She was walking towards me. I also took one step towards her. A step that catches upon. She came closer. She bit her lip and smiled. There were a few steps distance between us. A woman stood up who was sitting on a chair in front of the cafe ahead. The sound of the chair that the woman dragged, brought out the scream I could not do. I gulped again. She pursed.

-“Hi!”.

She smiled.

-“Hi, what’s up?”

I blurted it out such that I even dropped my jaw.

– “I am good. What about you? How is it going?”

– “So far so good. Going well.”

I gulped again. I guess I was not going to be able to speak.

– “Would you like to drink something? It is kinda hot here.”

While I was pulling the neck of my t-shirt, at the same time, I was trying to breathe and creating a more proper sentence than the previous one. She smiled. I guess she was not expecting that. She nodded. We walked towards the table with the cup on it where the woman had just left. We were walking slowly. We were not talking. Like our muteness would be gone when we sit at the table. It did not. No sooner than we sat, a boy came close to the table. He took the cups. He smiled while he was cleaning the table. He was in a rush to leave us alone while his fair hair dropping to his freckled cheeks. He left quickly right after he had received the order. We were staring at each other without knowing where to begin.

-“How is everything?”

-“Good, how is everything with you?”

And then she smiled. I assume that It was the worst beginning. How could we have become such two people who cannot communicate?

-“I am good too.”

She was waving of her both hands like a fan. In the meantime she was whiffling. It was hot. Meanwhile, the server boy approached the table with two big lemonade glasses. We thanked him. He went away after putting the glasses and a new silence onto the table. She touched her neck. She was nervous. This time, I will be the conversation starter.

After folding my lips, I started to talk.

-“Where have you been? What have you been doing?”

-“I travelled around the world.”

I was not expecting this. I looked at her astonishedly. Soon she could have told, “I am joking.”. She did not.

-“Cairo, Samarkand, Reykjavik, Lima, Hanoi, Dublin I have been to many places. Non-stop. I spent my last fifteen years on the roads. I have learnt a lot in the process. A few new languages, a few new art trends. Festivals, music.. “

She was way serious. I even have not heard many of those places she had just counted. Life had changed her a lot. Maybe I was the one who changed. I was listening to her interestedly. But like, she was trying to reel off.

– “Has it already been 30 years?”

The tears in my eyes were resisting not to drain away. She gulped. Her eyes were full of tears as well. She lifted her head up and acted as she thinks for her tears to withstand the gravity. Then she nodded. She smiled. This is what we call life. She twinked.

-“You, what have you done?”

I was expecting this question. Now, I was going to tell her about the past 30 years without her. I was going to tell them how it has passed without her, the 30 years we could have experienced together.

-“Well, after graduation, I respited myself. About what to do, what I want. Then, I decided to run my own business. I slogged away in the very beginning, of course, but time by time I got used to it. I lived in a couple of cities. Then I decided to come back here.

She raised one of her eyebrows. I guess she was comparing her dreams to mine. She smiled.

-“Sounds like you lived the life you have always dreamt about.”

Maybe she had a reason. This was the life I have always wanted.

-“Maybe. Well, how did you spend your time? Were you happy?”

She folded her lips. Thought a while. Squinted and inclined her head to the left softly. She searched for a trick in the question. Did she want to answer honestly or pay off of the 30 years?

-“At least, I tried..”

She smiled. Had a sip from her lemonade. The sun started to shrink back slowly. Distant smells of foods were intertwining with the fountain water. She scratched her head. Like she was thinking of something. We stayed in silence for a while. Deep down inside, both of us wanted to touch on the past 30 years.

We wanted to talk about all the regrets, sadness, happiness, yearning but our bodies were too old to handle the weight of all of those. Maybe, both of us wanted to have a new beginning. A beginning that could fill in the gap of the 30 years.

-“Thirty years..”

She interfered with my sentence that I could not complete yet.

-“Yeah, thirty years. Thirty years apart from each other. I also thought about it a lot. How my life would be If I were with you.”

She lowered her voice at the end of the sentence. She gulped. She lifted her head up. She flipped her hair around. She clasped her hands and put her elbows onto the table.She thought for a while and took a sip from the lemonade. After a while passed in silence, she said;

-“Do you know what? Swedish is an interesting language.”

I had not got any clue about what she was talking about. She gulped and went on.

-“ They say “Tala” for “To speak” and by adding a “be-“ prefix they create a new verb “Betala” which means “ To Pay”. It preoccupied me for a while. Maybe there is no deeply or philosophical connection between two of them as I imagine but it always reminds me of the price we pay for the words we do not speak out.”

I gulped. There was nothing I could say. She was faraway. As she was thinking about something. A silence remained between us for a while. I was trying to comprehend the words she had just said. She looked at her watch again. I tried to smile

-“You have to go, don’t you?”

She nodded slowly. There was no point to carry the conversation any longer. We quenched the thirst of all these years in a few hours. As she always said, time was just a concept. I tried to touch her hand but It would make things more difficult. I could only smile. By getting the strength from the sides of the chair, I stood up slowly. Similarly, she did the same. We walked a few metres together. She turned to me and smiled. The years have changed everything. Her hair, skin, soul, thoughts… but her eyes… They were still the same. I smiled speciously. She did the same. My tears were waiting in the wings. I reached out and shook her hand gently. It was not a long time nor a short time. We did not make an appointment for the next time. She turned around slowly. Here, she was standing right in front of me. She was walking towards the rays of the setting sun that hitting the gate of the passage. She kept walking on until she turned into a shadow and then a tiny dot. And she never looked back. While I was watching her going away, I was thinking “If is there any word in whatsoever language that could fill the gap for all these past years?”